Don't make out with my wife yet
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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