I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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