Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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