as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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