all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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