I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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