ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This is my gift to your gina
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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