i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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