took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
