Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
