she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
