he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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