god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
wakey wakey hands off snakey
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
