i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
