stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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