i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
