I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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