Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
