Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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