You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
