That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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