I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
