Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
