woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
