Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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