im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
