You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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