shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
