Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
