I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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