my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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