The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
