Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
are you still at the devil's house?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
