Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
