Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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