college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
