She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
