I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We're too hungover to prance.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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