her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
