im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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