we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
