i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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