I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He did a backflip because drugs
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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