when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
