I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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