Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
