My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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