He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
