and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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