textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm gonna fight the coyote
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
