I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
