Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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