i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
