No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
