I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
